The 9 weirdest Wicked For Good collabs

Hovis and Robinsons, what are you doing here?

The official Wicked For Good count down is now on and I’m already panicking about what to do for my next manicure.

If you didn’t know, I do like to think of myself as the original Wicked girl, with The Wizard of Oz being my favourite film of all time and all.

While, Wicked will never quite live up to that for me, I am SO ready to fall back hard in love with Cynthia Erivo, Ariana Grande and Jonathan Bailey of course, when I’m nestled in my Everyman armchair this time next month.

We might have a month to wait, but that doesn’t mean the Wicked For Good merchandise drops haven’t started and is it just me or are some of them truly and utterly bizaare?

I say that and next thing you know, I’ll be brushing my teeth with my Elphaba Thropp toothbrush, mopping my floors with my pink Swiffer and serving my guests glittery squash while I totter around in my Glinda platform Crocs.

Pink goes good with green, you know.

1. Swiffer floor mops

If you wanted proof that we’re in an era of facism, this Swiffer x Wicked collaboration is it.

If only we could go back to the glory days of 2001, when Mattel released a Harry Potter themed vibrating broomstick. Sadly it was swiftly (get it?) discontinued, due to an altogether different audience wanting to play with a Nimbus 2000.

2. Poppets

I should state first that I am quite the fan of a mint Poppet, but even I have to admit it’s a bold move to collaborate with a confectionary brand that is so retro, younger millennials aren’t even familiar with it. Trust me, the kind of people buying a box of Poppets in the corner shop (Michael Capon), are not gonna be persuaded because Glinda and Elphaba are on the front.

Despite their name, Payne’s Poppets - as I will forever remember them - are a chocolate for sensible people, who buy broadsheets and Wine Gums. Not those who watch movies about men made of tin.

3. Crocs

If you know me, you know I have a pair of Crocs for every day of the week, but god forbid these monstrosities make the rotation.

The inspiration for these surely lies somewhere between Elton John’s Rocket Man era and a 5-year-old in Disney’s Bippity Boppity Boutique. How on earth are they sold out already?

4. Hovis bread

What are saying here? Are we implying that Elphaba is the white bread aka the ‘bad’ one and Glinda is wholemeal aka the ‘good’? I would argue that Elphaba’s actually the wholemeal because deep down, we all know that wholemeal is superior in every way.

Except when it comes to a bacon sandwich.

5. Ordo electric toothbrushes

Do you know what, I actually was gonna write something hilarious about adults using these Wicked toothbrushes by Ordo and then I saw that you can buy travel toppers for them in the shape of Elphaba’s hat and Glinda’s bubble and why do I now actually want one?

6. Robinsons Squash

I have a bias here that I should probably admit first. Squash gives me the ick. I feel bad because I know my friend Rose reads my Substack and I know she loves a glass and I’ve never had the heart to tell her, but something about adults drinking squash makes me unsettled.

Come for me, come for my Labubus and Sonny Angels, I said what I said.

I guess you can imagine how I’d feel about someone offering me a glittery Elphaba themed glass then? I say glass, but we all know squash can only be served in a plastic tumbler that has a bit of a whiff to it. Thems the rules.

7. Cascade dishwasher tablets

I was about to pop off about what is even ‘Wicked’ about these dishwasher tablets, then I saw the ‘Emerald City’ scent.

I wonder how they’ve bottled the notes of greed, deceit, power and fraud? Patchouli I bet.

8. Le Creuset

This one has made the list for one reason and one reason only. Why do Le Creuset think that the people obsessed with a movie about a witch fighting injustice, have £369 to pay for a cooking pot?! Plus, they know we’d want both, so that’s £738!

Fuming. At least release a mini version. What about those tiny dishes they do for Christmas and Halloween? C’mon guys.

9. Lush Elphaba’s Lair Body Scrub

Look, we all know that Lush have been killing it with their collaborations and they deserve all the flowers for that. Their new Wicked For Good range being no exception, apart from the name of this one particular product.

‘Lair’ is a word that you can’t say without thinking you sound funny. It’s just one of those that if you can avoid it in your vocab, you understandably will.

Then there’s the connotations of a lair. When I think of a lair, I think of somewhere small, damp and dark. A hideout, where someone has been for several weeks. Stale air, no circulation and most likely a pee corner. Much like a teenage boy’s bedroom.

Smelling like a lair is something I would never want to happen. Plus the idea of being in a lair and having smooth skin, seems like quite the juxtaposition.

What’s wrong with just calling it Elphaba’s Transforming Body Scrub?