Is my hatred of planning holding me back?

Maybe I do need to be tied down...

First of all, thank you for bearing with me while Can We Discuss took a short break.

Our latest charity beauty sale took place at the end of November and to say it takes over my life, would be an understatement.

Thankfully, it was worth it, because we hit our goal of £25k. Which means we have raised just over £100,000, for various charities, since starting these sales.

Of course, I’ve spent my first post sale weekend smothering my chest in Vicks and taking paracetamol every 4 hours, which has resulted in two things.

Number one: A panic that I have done nothing Christmassy whatsoever, including not putting up a single decoration and two: catching up on Zoe Sugg’s Vlogmas videos on YouTube.

With my perfect recipe for self pity (illness + Christmas time feelings + comparing self to others), my Sunday depression was on track to being more flavoursome than ever.

Then, there was something that Zoe said in her video, that turned that woe is me, into some inner reflection.

Discussing the ways her and her partner have changed over the years, Zoe mentioned Alfie’s previous inability to make plans or put anything in advance in his calendar.

This is something I relate to a lot. As a single, child-free, self-employed person, I’m as free as the wind blows and I like it that way.

If one of my friends messages me, “Who’s around tomorrow?”, I’ll always be the one to answer and if my sister needs a babysitter, she can rely on me.

Honestly, I find “making plans” frustrating. Going back and forth on dates, irritates me for some reason and I think it’s because I feel like I have to fit around everyone else’s schedule. I’m prioritising them, why aren’t they prioritising me?

There’s also the fear of making a plan and then regretting it when that day rolls around.

What if I’m not in the mood? What if I can’t be arsed? What if I no longer want to do it?

I’ve never really thought about why I hate putting things in my calendar. It was the same when I was employed and had to book annual leave. I would never want to book time off, unless I had a holiday planned. Which always meant come October I’d have days built up.

But, it was Alfie’s response, that finally resonated with me. Even giving a potential insight into why, I am the way that I am and why it’s also limiting me.

Alfie explained that he used to hate planning because he liked the idea of having free time. The thinking being, the more free time you have, the more things you can do with that time.

*Me, nodding along*

However, he said through a mixture of therapy and other reasons, he noticed that this fear of commitment, actually meant that he was missing out.

He used an analogy of festivals for his explainer. He’d never put the dates in his diary and therefore never knew when the tickets went on sale. When he did realise, they were always inevitably sold out.

Never fear though, he could buy resale tickets. However, he’d then find his friends weren’t available to take the time off work with such short notice.

Ultimately, the fear of being tied down was causing him to miss out on these experiences.

And, judging by my lack of zero Christmas plans, me as well.

Of course this is the perfect time to have this realisation because it’s also about now where I buy a new planner. One that I will fill in for a week and then discard, with all the others.

Trust me, it’s not for the want of trying.

But, maybe, just maybe, I could pre-plan one social activity a month, because at the rate the years are going, it’ll be 2030 before I get back to LA.

It’s also got me thinking about my lack of planning in terms of my career and life in general. But, the Antiques Roadshow has just come on, signalling that’s enough self-reflection for one Sunday…