Am I failing because I don't take myself seriously?

An honest account of my 4th year freelancing

It could be because I’ve just rewatched the episode Forks from The Bear for the umpteenth time or it could be a conversation I had with a friend that’s been playing on repeat in my mind, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m failing.

I’ve not been consistent with posting on here, I seem to be in a vicious cycle of TikTok posting paralysis and for about a year my Instagram has just bobbed back and forth between 38.8k followers and 38.9.

As I reread that paragraph, I immediately want to delete it. Who gives a shit about how many Instagram followers I have when people are being bombed, starved and forced from their homes.

It’s taking all my effort to not just slam my laptop shut and leave this Substack empty for another week, but, if I’m to conquer this feeling of failure, I need to push past the uncomfortable moments.

So, yes. I’m aware that I’m a very privileged individual, having a very privileged moan.

Being real with you all for a moment, this has been my toughest year as a freelancer to date. It doesn’t help that it’s also been an expensive one, what with buying my flat and getting a mortgage alone.

I’m more aware of my finances than I’ve ever been before. Turns out, handing over files upon files of bank statements to mortgage brokers will do that to you.

Deep down, I know that half a bad year, out of a successful 4 years, shouldn’t send me spiralling, but it has really opened me up to comparison syndrome, along with highlighting my own weaknesses.

I’ve always been acutely aware of the privilege of my job as a beauty editor and it’s one of the reasons why, as my previous deputy editor pointed out, I’ve always had an “irreverent” approach to it.

I don’t care to be seen with certain people, I’ve never want to be considered a diva and I try to always remember that a lot of this doesn’t actually matter. But that becomes hard when everything from your event invites to your PR mailers feel tied to your self worth.

It was when a friend asked me what my plan was with our charity beauty sales, that I wondered if I’m not taken seriously in my career.

For the past 5(?) years, with the help of our family and friends, me and Lucy P (my friend and fellow beauty editor) have hosted twice yearly charity beauty sales. Raising over £130,000.

Last year, it got to a point where we had to set up an entire company for these sales (turns out it’s harder than you think to donate large chunks of money to charity) and Glow for Good became a lot more professional. Including having our own website.

Honestly, my plan with it, has always been to just raise as much money for these charities as we can. But when everyone else is brand building, it feels like my ambitions fall short.

It isn’t that I’m not an ambitious person, because I am. I just don’t approach things in the same way as most of my peers and I’m wondering if this is why I’m having these feelings of failure and not getting all the opportunities I want?

I also can’t lie, that I’ve often wondered if being plus-size has held me back. But, when the world loves to fat shame people, it’s probably no surprise that thought has come into my head.

I’ve been in this headspace for long enough and before the bitterness and comparison really sink in, there are some things I’m going to change and that’s starting with regular posting back here.

One of my goals is to write a book. A few years back, I actually had a meeting about this, but I fear I’ve missed my chance on that opportunity.

By getting back into posting on my Substack reguarly - how was I posting 5x a week?! - it will give me structure, writing practice (because the editorial commissions are few and far between) and maybe even catch the eye of a publisher.

Next, I’m going to be bold and not shy away from talking about the things I want. Hear me universe, I want a book deal.

I’m going to stop procrastinating and post to my TikTok again because I didn’t do all that work to build up an audience of over 100,000 people for nothing.

I’ve even invested in a mini Rode mic for myself so my audio should be drastically improved. Investing in myself and my content… not accosting you on the contents of your weekly shop, I promise.

Finally, I’m going to remind myself - as often as necessary - that I have always forged my own path. I went from a PA to a beauty editor, climbing every step on the ladder in-between and gave it all up when I ran out of road to progress on.

I think I’m just in need of a good MOT and service and we’ll be back up running in no time.

Oh, and this will be the only post here this week, as I want to schedule some for the coming weeks, so I don’t fall behind going forward.

Until next week my friends.

Keep me accountable!