As a plus-size woman, I can't bring myself to watch Baby Reindeer
Seeing Martha at the bar, I see myself and I hate it
It’s the perfect evening for it. Sunday, I have no plans and my videos for the day have already been posted to both TikTok and Instagram.
I press my thumb on the rubber button until I get to the square, white icon with red lettering. I hover on it, remembering I also need to update my household account in order to watch.
I try and remember my password, but before my brain even makes any kind of attempt to turn a cog, my thumb is going again.
A mixture of muscle memory and comfort take me to the blue icon instead. It’s no longer showing in my recommended, probably because I’ve watched both seasons repeatedly.
My thumb taps out the letters whilst I open my laptop and wait for the comforting sounds of Carmy and Richie screaming at each other in, The Bear.
The thing is, I want to watch Baby Reindeer, I do. I want to see if episode 4 really is as intense as everyone is making out, and I want to be able to join in with my friends’ voice notes discussing the series.
However, I’m embarrassed to admit it, and fully aware that I’m confirming to a liberal stereotype, but, I’m triggered by it.
I watched the trailer before I knew anything about it. After all, the title doesn’t exactly given anything away.
For a few seconds, seeing Martha aka Jessica Gunning sitting at the bar, chatting to the bartender, you wonder if this is the meet cute that leads to the streamer’s next big rom com.
Then, it quickly becomes apparent that no, this is far from a romance story and in fact, Martha is a completely and utterly unhinged stalker.
I feel guilty even writing this post because I don’t want to draw attention to the fact that Jessica is plus-sized.
A) It shouldn’t even be part of the conversation, especially when her role is being praised so highly and B) It’s good to see a plus-sized actress in a leading role in the first place.
But, seeing Martha sitting at that bar, I see myself and the fear that this is exactly how I come across to any romantic interests in my life.
Embarrassing, unwanted, unrequited.
I know this is very much me projecting, but I’m projecting because I haven’t been on the receiving end of romantic attention in a long time and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen someone that looks like me, experience it on screen.
The truth is, I haven’t been on a ‘date’ in years. I have essentially given up on being loved.
It sounds bleak and it kind of is, I guess, but let me try to explain.
All the worst experiences I’ve had in my life, all the awful comments, the verbal abuse, have been from men. Both online and in person. Some of those I’ve shared with you before, a lot I haven’t.
Now, I know it’s not all men. But, hopefully you can see why I have no confidence with the other sex.
My experience has consistently shown me that as a plus-size woman, men do not want you - unless it’s to satisfy a fetish.
I’ve been shamed so much for the way I look that it’s made me doubt the one long term relationship I did have. Did I force that person to be with me for 4 years? Were they embarrassed of me? Did they ever love me? Was I Kathy Bates in Misery?
So, while I know I’m not Martha, when it comes to romantic interactions, I feel like Martha. Which is why I just can’t bring myself to watch.
There is one glimmer of hope for my love life, because while my external confidence is non-existent, internally, I’m an incredibly insecure egomaniac.
Despite feeling unloveable, I simultaneously don’t want to settle for any old person.
I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved on my own. I worked my arse off to get where I am in life. I got the dream job I always wanted, but I quit it when I realised my own worth.
I have my own business, I live by myself and I have nurtured the best relationships with my friends and family.
I truly don’t believe I need a romantic relationship to complete me. But, I would like to find someone I could grow together with.
Apologies, for the radio silence. I have been working on some updates and changes you will see here very soon…
Thank you for being so you, honest, to the point and real. So rare in this world & I know that wasn’t easy to write. I myself never made it past episode 2, I found it unenjoyable.
Honestly LC it’s a pile of shit and not worth the watch time 😂